Episode 11: Man on Man on Trans Am

Brian is worried about his daughter taking an interest in avian penile humor, Sarah Lane is here for Problem Solvers, then Brian and Justin prove, once and for all, that correlation equals causation.

Released on May 14, 2014, 4:00 am UTC


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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on DCTVpedia.


The preshow was pretty standard until Brian was given a "YouTubers React to Babymetal" video. He went off on an amazing rant about how much he hates these reaction videos from rich, white YouTubers who are constantly worrying about how they are coming off to the audience. It turned into a big role play with Justin as the Devil being asked by Brian to jizz napalm on these young adults. Then, turns out Brian's kids heard the whole rant and they were traumatized.

Cold Open

A segment from the Night Attack Track "Duck Dynasty Yoda".

Video Link

Immediate Picnic

Less than a minute into the show, AT&T Uverse had a huge outage in the Austin area and took Brian's stream off the air. The consensus reached by the scientific community as a whole was that Satan jizzed on the fiber optic cables that provide bandwidth to the Austin area.

What the Hell is Brian Talking About?

Right off the bat, Brian launched into some weird metaphor involving some movie with Morgan Freeman giving a sermon or something? Nobody understood what the hell he was talking about.

Ze Frank

Brian talked about how his daughter, Penny, has taken a real interest in Ze Frank and his 'True Facts' series of videos. This lead to a discussion about how Brian feels about Penny starting to make jokes about dicks thanks to the True Facts About The Duck video and its humorous take on ducks' penises.

Justin suggested that Brian turn into the dad from 'Footloose' and come down real hard against her enjoyment of duck dick humor. Meanwhile she has a mysterious pen-pal-type figure sender her links to videos like Richard Pryor stand-up and other forms of crude or inappropriate humor. This idea prompted the Chatrealm to create a place to submit videos that Penny should watch. Will it actually be used? Probably not! Check it out anyway.


The Patreon is at $2,055. If you want to become a patron, head on over to Patreon.com/NightAttack.

Problem Solvers

Our monthly visitor, Sarah Lane is back to Solve your Problems. If you want to submit your problems for solving, be sure to follow Brian and Justin on Twitter and look out for the anonymous submission link. Check out all of the problems that were submitted here.

Problem 1

I rent a room from my landlord which he lives in the house two-to-three times a week (he has propriety outside the city which he stays at).Recently he said we should be friends and talk during the same conversation this German born man started badmouthing his ex-wife and told me he had lost his teaching job at the college "Because that bitch of a Dean wants me out."I don't want to be his friend and explain I don't have time to meet with my current friends. He waits for me to come and tries to "hang out" but I blow him off, its coming to the point when he hears me wake up that we waits for me outside and surprises me, and even cuts my power off in my room.What should I do?

  • Brian - Restated the problem
  • Justin - Look that dough-eyed weirdo in the face and say "Hey Hitler, get out of Poland… And I'm Poland."
  • Sarah - If all else fails, go like King Joffrey and Purple Wedding his ass.

Problem 2

Wife of ten years left on Easter for a former felon, and now we're getting divorced and she says they're getting married as soon as the divorce is final. I've got the kids at home with me, no job, and no support to speak of. I haven't been able to find a job, and when I can finally find a way to get out and find someone new, I don't know if I'll be able to, because I've never really dated--we were high school sweethearts of sorts.FMLCan you guys offer advice? Or at least give me Ira Sockman's number, 'cause I'm also seeking legal counsel...

  • Justin - Restated the problem
  • Sarah - Get a nice chick out of the slammer.
  • Brian - You need to fling poo at her door.

Problem 3

I think we have a problem with male prostitution in my neighborhood. This morning as I was getting into my car, I found what can only be described as "ass-prints" on the hood of my car and a striped bow tie near the windshield. Looking around a little more, I spotted a used condom in the gutter and could smell the faintly erotic aroma of man love. My question is: What's up with fucking bow tie? Thank you for your kind attention.

  • Sarah - Restated the problem
  • Brian - You're a hate-monger, stop being a hate-monger, hate-monger.
  • Justin - Wait outside with an airhorn and scare them off like they're racoons. That'll stop the man on man action on your Trans Am

Problem 4

About 5 months ago I entered a romantic relationship which is currently long distance, with quite a significant time difference, as she is located in Europe until she graduates. We've been making it work; however, one of my European "friends" from Chatrealm (We'll call him "Teeto") has been playing video games with her while I'm asleep and has convinced himself he's going to steal her away from me, even though she has shown no interest and quite dislikes it when he brings up his creepy "Babysitter" fetish. How do I tell this guy to step off while not ruining my friendship?

(This is connected to a previous Problem Solvers question from the previous Problem Solvers segment. Link)

  • Brian - Restated the problem
  • Justin - This is what happens when you don't date American.
  • Sarah - If all else fails, get on a plane over to Europe and declare a TRIAL BY COMBAT!

Problem 5

I recently cut 5 inches off of my hair. Nobody has noticed. This makes me sad. Am I a real woman now?

  • Justin - Restated the problem
  • Sarah - Wear the sluttiest dress you can find and some dude will ask you about your hair.
  • Brian - Just because it ain't long, doesn't mean you won't get dong.

Personal Recommendation

This week, Justin took a break from the usual corporate sponsorships. This time around he is giving a personal recommendation of a company that just happens to give him money on a regular basis.


Head on over to Mailroute.net/NightAttack.html for a 15-day free trial.

Spurious Correlations

Those douchebag "experts" on the lamestream media are constantly spouting nonsense about how "correlation does not always imply causation". Well thanks to a website that is, for some strange reason, called Spurious Correlations, Brian and Justin proved that correlation ALWAYS IMPLIES causation. They took some correlations and made very convincing arguments about how the two stats were connected.

In all seriousness, the websites allows you to find some ridiculous statistical correlations that have no real relation to each other.

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to NightAttack.tv/DiamondTime or Bit.ly/plugmything.

Live Movie Draft Minute

Brian received no Movie Draft Minute video for the week, so some random guy that sounds exactly like Roberto Villegas did the Movie Draft Minute live in Brian's studio.

Diamond Club Subreddit

Hey, turns out that the Diamond Club subreddit is getting a lot of use lately, head over there and participate. You can find it atReddit.com/r/DiamondClub.

Also on the subreddit at the time of recording was a thread asking for submissions for logos for the latest Diamond Club t-shirt. They're looking for a simple, single-color design featuring the Diamond Club logo. If you're reading this within a couple weeks of recording, submit your design or simply for vote your favorite submissions. If you're reading this in the semi-near future, THE SHIRT IS OUT! GO BUY IT! IT'S (probably) AWESOME! If you're reading this in the far future, GO FUCK YOURSELF and/or buy whatever futuristic, space t-shirt they're selling on the super internet with your Dogecoins.

Great Quotes

  • "Finally, the tyranny of self-important douchebags is over!" - Brian

Fun Facts

  • Late into the preshow, Justin remembered that they were supposed to have Patrick Norton on the show. Brian and Justin felt really bad and re-scheduled him for a later episode.
  • Mitzula and Roberto Villegas were in the live studio audience in Brian's studio.


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